Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
INTRODUCTION TO CHINESE
Ai Bang Mai Ne:
"I bumped into the coffee table"
Ai No Pei: "I
have a press pass"
Chin Tu Fat:
"Have you considered a face lift?"
Dum Gai: "A
stupid person"
Dung On Mai Shu:
"I stepped in excrement"
Fat He: "An
unattractive person"
Gun Pao Der: "An
ancient Chinese invention"
Hao Long Wei Ting:
"When is the bus due?"
Hia Dei Kum:
"Stand by to repel boarders"
Hu Flung Dung:
"Which one of you fertilised the field?"
Hu Yu Hai Ding:
"Are you harbouring a fugitive?"
Jan Ne Ka Sun:
"A former late night talk show host"
Kum Hia: "I'd
like to talk to you"
Lao Ze: "Not
very good"
Lao Ze Sho: "Gilligan's
Island"
Lei Loh: "Keep
out of sight"
Lei Tsho:
"Midnight television programme"
Li Loh: "A
temporary bed"
Lin Ching: "An
illegal execution"
Ming Toy:
"Plaything belonging to ancient emperor"
Moon Lan Ding:
"One small step for man"
Ne Ahn: "A
lighting fixture used in advertising signs"
Noh Pah King:
"Tow-away zone"
Noh Tsmo King:
"Cigarettes are hazardous to health"
Noh Wei Ding:
"Keep out of the pond"
Shai Gai: "A
bashful person"
Shu Man Go:
"Your body odour is offensive"
Tai Ni Bei Bi:
"A premature infant"
Tai Ni Po Ni: "A
small horse"
Ten Ding Ba:
"Serving drinks to people"
Wan Bum Lung: "A
person with TB"
Wah Shing Kah:
"Cleaning the family car"
Wai Go Nao: "Do
you really have to leave?"
Wai So Dim: "Who
turned off the light?"
Wai Yu Kum Nao:
"I thought the meeting was next week"
Wai Yu Mun Ching:
"I thought you were on a diet?"
Wai Yu Shao Ting:
"There is no reason to raise your voice"
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song:
"Don't you know anything by Cole Porter?"
Yu Mai Te Tan:
"Your vacation in Hawaii agreed with you"
Yu So Dim: "You
aren't very bright"
THINGS
YOU HAVE TO KNOW
A duck's quack doesn't
echo, and no one knows why.
The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy
disk, with the shutter on backwards.
The combination "ough"
can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following
sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated,
dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets
of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and
hiccoughed."
The verb "cleave"
is the only English word with two synonyms which are
antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
The only 15 letter word that
can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Facetious and abstemious
contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does
arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
Emus and kangaroos cannot
walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for
that reason.
Cats have over one hundred
vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
The word
"Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase
"Shah Mat," which means "the king is
dead".
Pinocchio is Italian for
"pine head."
Camel's milk does not
curdle.
In every episode of Seinfeld
there is a Superman somewhere.
An animal epidemic is called
an epizootic.
Murphy's Oil Soap is the
chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
The United States has never
lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were
created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in
water.
Cat's urine glows under a
blacklight.
If you take a raccoon's head
to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled
to receive $10.00 from the town.
The reason firehouses have
circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines
were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground
floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Non-dairy creamer is
flammable.
The airplane Buddy Holly
died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of
the Don McLean song.)
Texas is also the only state
that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as
the U.S. flag.
The only nation who's name
begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an
"A" is Afghanistan.
When opossums are playing
'possum, they are not "playing." They actually
pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana
University sinks over an inch every year because when it was
built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of
all the books that would occupy the building.
GRANMA SPEAKS
A lawyer called his first
witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly
woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you
know me?"
She responded, "Why,
yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were
a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising
big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not
knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the lawyer for the defence?"
She replied, "Why, yes I
do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I
used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a
real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in
the entire city. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge
rapped the courtroom to silence and called both lawyers to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for
contempt!"
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED
I've learned that if
someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no
one will believe it. [Age 39]
I've learned that just when I
get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. [Age
13]
I've learned that children
and grandparents are natural allies.
[Age 46]
I've learned that even when
I have pains, I don't have to be one. [Age 82]
I've learned that silent
company is often more healing than words of advice. [Age 24]
I've learned that if you
pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on
your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new
people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find
you. [Age 65]
I've learned that motel
mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. [Age
50]
I've learned that regardless
of your relationship with your parents, you miss them
terribly after they die. [Age 53]
I've learned that you can't
hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. [Age 7]
I've learned that life
sometimes gives you a second chance.
[Age 62]
I've learned that it pays to
believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen
several. [Age 73]
I've learned that you
shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both
hands; you need to be able to throw something back. [Age 64]
I've learned that brushing
my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. [Age 29]
I've learned that wherever I
go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. [Age
29]
I've learned that singing
"Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
[Age 49]
I've learned that you can
make someone's day by simply sending them a little card.
[Age 44]
I've learned that if you
want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone
else up. [Age 13]
I've learned that when I
wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing
and wave back. [Age 9]
I've learned that although
it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are
strict. [Age 15]
I've learned that whenever I
decide something with kindness, I usually make the right
decision. [Age 66]
I've learned that making a
living is not the same thing as making a life. [Age 58]
I've learned that everyone
can use a prayer. [Age 72]
I've learned that I like my
teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent
Night". [Age 7]
I've learned that there are
people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show
it. [Age 41]
I've learned that every day
you should reach out and touch someone. People love that
human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly
pat on the back. [Age 85]
I've learned that I still
have a lot to learn. [Age 92]
