ALONE WITH GOD------

Clean Jokes

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Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for humor and laugh purposes only.

  3 Contractors

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says $2700.

The guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri".

Farmers Comparison

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,

"And what are those"? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look,

"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

THIS CRAZY LANGUAGE

Let's face it --English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Work vs Prison

1. In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
2. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
3. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
4. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
5. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
6. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
7. In prison you get your own loo. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
8. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
9. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
10. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
11. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
12. In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers

A Quote story

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Visual Effects

 1.+-------+



   | sand  |                   = sand box



   +-------+



 



 2.   man



   ---------                   = man overboard



      board



 



 3.  stand



   ----------                  = I understand



       i



 



 4. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/            = reading between the lines



 



 5.   r



     road                      = cross road



      a



      d



 



 7. cycle



    cycle                      = tricycle



    cycle



 



 8.  t



     o                         = downtown



     w



     n



 



 9.  le /



       / vel                   = split level



      /



 



 10.     0



      -------                  = two degrees below zero



        M.D.



       Ph.D.



 



 11.    knee



       --------                = neon light



         light



 



 12.    ii    ii



      -------------            = circles under the eyes



        O      O



 



 13.  dice dice                = paradise



 



 14.  t



       o



       u                        = touchdown



       c



       h



 



 15.    ground



      -----------



         feet



         feet                   = six feet underground



         feet



         feet



         feet



         feet



 



 16.    mind



      ---------                  = mind over matter



       matter



 



 17. he's / himself              = he's beside himself



 



 18. ecnalg                      = backward glance



 



 19. death / life                = life after death



 

PC Cars

Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, GM issues a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five time as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent on the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand-McNally road maps (now subsidiary of GM), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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