ALONE WITH GOD------

Clean Jokes

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Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for humor and laugh purposes only.

Religious Light Bulb Jokes

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

The River

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said,

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river".

With even greater emphasis he said,

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said,

"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

New Bell Ringer

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?"

..wait for it...

wait for it.....

.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, " But his face rings a bell."

WAIT, WAIT! not through yet!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart following the death of the armless camponologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer for Notre Dame. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace him." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs...... "What as happened? Who is this man?" they cried. " I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........

wait for it.......

wait for it

wait for it

........." I don't know his name............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Priest Blessing?

Charlie followed the Priest before the next race. Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!

The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000, went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!

He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the Priest.

He found the man and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"

The Priest said "That's the trouble with you protestants, you can't tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!"

God VS Satan, The Food Battle

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said. "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it
was good.

And Satan said "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the cattle, and over all the earth.

And so God Created Man in his own image, male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live healthy lives.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them."

And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, so that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth Chocolate.

And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's.

And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and His Cholesterol went through the roof.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil!"

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said. "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan smiled and created HMOs.

Finkelstein, the Tailor

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor".

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches.

Some months later, Jesus is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business!" gushed Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?"

"Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they come up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop...

"LORD & TAYLOR"

Childhood Baptism

Two little boys are looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day. Dad won't let them play in the sprinkler because he's mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble.

They sit on the curb brainstorming when suddenly one of them jumps up and says, "I know, lets go get baptized!"