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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
Profit People say, "A penny for your thoughts" but, on the other hand, they say they want to give you their "two cents worth." Seems to me, somebody's making a profit on the deal. Partner The businessman called his less than ambitious son into his office and announced he had decided to make him a full time partner in the company. "Which part of the company would you like to be in charge of, son?" he asked. "Well," the son answered, "I don't like working in the shipping department, and I don't like being in sales, and I'd rather not be in the bookkeeping department--" "Listen," the father said, "as a full partner, what would you like most?" "Hmmm," the son pondered, "I guess, most of all, I'd like you to buy me out." Atheist A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not an atheist." "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm Jewish." The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish. "Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist." Sea Monster Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do. They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship. A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything on board. The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything. Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?" Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." Burial or Cremation I was in a church meeting where the topic "Burial or Cremation?" was discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up. One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!" The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!" Farming Problem Farming Problem Some Polish people decide to start a chicken farm. They get some chickens and plant them in the ground, headfirst. When all the chickens die, the farmers are somewhat confused, but they don't give up. They get some more chickens, but these are planted feet-first. It takes a little longer, but eventually the second batch of chickens die, too. They decide to write a letter to the Polish agriculture bureau. In the letter they explain in detail the procedures they have followed and their disappointing results. A few weeks later they receive this reply from the bureau: "Before we can advise you, please send us a soil sample." The Messianic Sign A few years ago the Pope visited New York and was taken around by Henry Kissinger. They visited the Bronx Zoo and Kissinger showed the Pope one cage where a lion was with a young lamb, which snuggled up next to the lion. The Pope was amazed. "For 2000 years, we've prayed for signs of the messianic era and the prophesy that the lion will lie down next to the lamb. I see you must really be a man of peace. How did you do it?" To which Kissinger replied, "All it needs is a new lamb a day." Heaven A man decided to write a book about churches across the United States. First, the man visited a church in California. During his tour of the magnificent building he noticed a golden telephone on a wall with a sign that read $10,000 a minute". Intrigued, he asked about the phone and was told that the golden phone was a direct line to Heaven that could be used to talk directly to God. Next, the man visited a church in New York. Again, he noticed exactly the same type of phone, with exactly the same sign on it. Sure enough, upon inquiry, he was informed that it was a direct line to Heaven and could be used to talk directly to God. Continuing his tour through many other states, he found the same golden telephone with the very same sign and was repeatedly told the same story, until, finally, upon arriving at a church in North Carolina, he spotted the usual golden telephone however, with a different sign. This time, the sign read "Calls 25 cents." He quickly found the preacher and said to him, "I have traveled in many cities all across the country, and in each and every church I visited I found this same golden telephone, was told that it was a direct line to Heaven, and that I could talk to God. But, in all the other churches across the country, the charge was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?" The preacher smiled at him and
said "My son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're
in North Carolina now and, of course, it's a local call from
here." | |||||
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