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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
I Come Quickly What with sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time. So by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose: "Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next." Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it: "Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again, "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing. He tried it one more time. In his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened. "That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!" Another Flood A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it; in six days the waters will wipe out the world. The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation in heaven. The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too late to accept Jesus," he says. The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach: "We have six days to learn how to live under water." Conversion Class At the first session of a conversion class the minister conducting the class asked, "What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?" After a long silence, one of the men in attendance raised his hand and said, "Sin?" HMO Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?" "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children. "Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?" "I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God`s love." "How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?" After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO." St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too." "Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren`t going to let me in." "Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days." Floods This old geezer lived near the Ohio River, and in the recent floods, he was washed away and his friends and family feared that he'd drowned. Miraculously, though, a state trooper pulled him out and his life was saved. The old geezer lived many more years, but unfortunately he kept telling everyone how he survived the Ohio River floods until they were bored to tears. Finally the old geezer died and went up to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, "Welcome to Heaven! We'd like you to be eternally happy, so if there's anything you'd like to do, anything at all, just tell me and we'll fix it up for you." "Thanks," said the old geezer. "I'd sure like to tell a bunch of folks about how I survived the Ohio River floods." "No problem," said St. Peter. "I'll make the arrangements and get back to you." A few days later, St. Peter contacted the old geezer and took him to the lecture hall where he was to give his talk. They both waited backstage while the audience got settled, and the geezer was pleased to see that it was rather a large crowd. Then St. Peter grabbed the old
geezer's arm. "Now, I don't want to make you nervous, but
I've just spotted Noah in the crowd." | |||||
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