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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
Offering A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. "It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. "Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean the church.. NT-OT and Coffee Pot A man was walking up the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church. He noticed smoke pouring out of the building. He ran inside, and yelled to the Priest, "Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!" The Priest grabbed the New Testament, and ran out. A little farther up the road, the man passed by a Jewish Synagogue. Smoke was pouring out of the building. He ran inside. "Rabbi, Rabbi!! Your building is on fire!", cried the man. The Rabbi grabbed the Old Testament, and ran out. A little farther down, the man came by a Unitarian Universalist Church. It, too, was on fire. The man rushed inside. "Minister, Minister!! Your Church is on fire!", cried the man. The minister grabbed the coffeepot and ran out. New Moses The Rabbi's wife called a psychiatrist and said, "My husband thinks he's the new Moses." The doctor assured her that these delusions of grandeur were only a passing fancy. "Okay," she responded. "But in the meantime, how do I keep him from parting the waters in the hot tub Star of David Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled, and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says, "Young man. Don't you realize that this is Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?" No Chance Three couples are in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the first couple, "Sorry, I can't let you in." "Why not?" asked the husband. "Because all the two of you ever cared about was drinking. "You were either stone drunk or hung over. "You didn't have a sober day in your marriage." said St. Peter. "That's not true!" pleaded the couple. "Really, now." said St. Peter. "What's your wife's name?" "Sherry.", said the man "See, you even married a woman named after a drink!" said St. Peter just as he released a trap door, sending them straight down to hell. Then he a told the second couple they couldn't get in to Heaven, either. "Why not?" asked the second husband. "Because all you ever cared about was making money, and you didn't care how you did it. You would cheat anybody, anytime to make your fortune." said St. Peter. "You even cheated your own brothers and sisters out of their inheritance!" "That's not true!" pleaded the husband. "Oh, really?" queried St. Peter "What's your wife's name?" "Penny." said the husband. "See?" said St. Peter "You even have wife named after money." At which point he released the trap door sending them down to hell. The third husband, in dismay, said to his wife, "Gee whiz, Fanny. I don't think we stand a chance!" Hail The local church had hired a new choir director for the church choir. The church was undergoing some roof repairs, and as a result of the incomplete roofing, the church roof was uncovered with just the tin foundation. Meanwhile, the poor choir director was struggling with the worse choral voices this side of the Mississippi. On Sunday morning, during the choir director's debut, the choir was sounding like sour grapes. All of a sudden, a fierce hail storm broke out, just as the choir was singing its last "amen". With that, the minister stood up and look toward the roof top and said "It sounds like hail!" The indignant Choir Director got up and cried out, "Won't you give me a break?! I'm doing the best that I can with these terrible voices!" Huh… Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirped, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic said, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence, and finally replied, "My son is 6' 2", he has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very well, tight muscular body, and tight hard buns. Whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, 'Oh, my God!'" Talk About Faith Two nuns were driving along the highway when their car ran out of gas in front of a hospital. They went into the hospital and asked about borrowing something to use for getting gas from the service station to the car. The hospital only had urinals to offer, so the nuns said, "Sure, that will work!" As they were pouring gas out of the urinals into the car's gas tank, a motorist drove by said to his friend, "Talk about faith!" Nobody Around Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has done a lot of sins. One day, he decided to go to the church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest. "Father, I am sinful. " "Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you." "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend. It's been three years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house and nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. " "That's bad, my boy. Fortunately you realize your mistake." "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around, except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That was not very good of you." "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her and nobody was around except for her aunt. I slept with her, too. Father? Father?" Suddenly the guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the priest was not there, so he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?" He searched high and low, and finally found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?" "Sorry, son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except you and me." Secret Sins Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring." The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just love to drink. When I go out of town, I like to take a little nip of something." The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and I can't wait to get out of this room!" Fallen An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week." Bats Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were going at their respective parishes. The first priest complains of a terrible bat infestation at his church, and it is soon apparent that this is something of an epidemic at all three parishes. After much discussion of all matters clerical, they go home for the night. After a week or so, they meet again and discuss the bat problem. Priest 1: I tried to get rid of my bats this week. I shot at them with my shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats! I still have no way of getting rid of them! Priest 2: I tried another way. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a stick and drove out to the forest where I released them. But they were back at the church before I was! Priest 3: I've solved the problem. I did much the same thing. I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them, I baptized and confirmed every one of them, and they haven't been back since. Shall we Gather at the River A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down. The song leader stood very
cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing
song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the
River'." 
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