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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
Good Wife A man and his wife were cruising a Virginia highway in their Corvette at a rather high speed one day. A blue light brought them to a halt. The Virginia Trooper says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says"Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well the cruise control has been broken for a year." As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Dang woman, shut your mouth! NOW!" The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket." And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette." As the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU KEEP YOUR BIG, FAT MOUTH SHUT?" The officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking." The millionare with Alligators Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!! The Gate Is Broken St.Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!" The Sin Of Lying A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying." Comments At Your Funeral 3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving! The Bible There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. The Florist's Mistake On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply. God Will Provide A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her clothes, etc, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." Living A Long Healthy Life An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" Diet A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband did when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!" Will i be Acquitted? During a recent publicity
outing, Hillary Clinton went off to visit a fortune teller of
some local reputation: In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. As the mystic
took her reading, she had a struck look on her face, looked up
and said, "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be
blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken,
Hillary stared at the woman's wrinkled face, then at the single
flickering candle on the table. Looking aside for a moment,
Hillary then looked back down to her wringing hands in her lap.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and consider her
question; she just had to know. Hillary met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question: "Will I
be acquitted?" 
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