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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
SATURN A DIFFERENT KIND of CAR. Back in 1982, General Motors created a new division of automobiles as a way to combat the soaring Japanese import market. GM named this division Saturn after the rockets that put the United States ahead of the Soviet Union in the race to the moon. Between July of 1990, when the first production line Saturn was made, and June of 1995, over one million Saturns were manufactured. An All-American company putting out a quality product that the consumer has embraced. Nothing more. Or so they would have you believe... Saturn has recently become famous for its quirkiness. They take your picture with the car you buy and hang it on the wall while every employee cheers. Nothing wrong with a little customer appreciation BUT... I began to get a little suspicious about Saturn when I noticed a few of my Saturn owning friends with the same gleaming look of ignorance in their eyes. They seemed to have lost their personalities. I tried talking to them, tried to find out what was wrong, and no matter what we talked about the conversation would always lead to their Saturns. Finding no answers from them, I decided to take a ride to the local Saturn dealership. I was greeted by smiling salesmen, not unlike any other car dealership. They told me how wonderful Saturn was and why I should choose to own one. Nothing wrong with that. Then they left me alone. No pressure, no hard-sell, nothing. This left me utterly speechless. So I walked around the lot for about twenty minutes, looking over my shoulder constantly for vulturic salesmen. None were to be found. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and went back inside the dealership. I talked to one salesman who told me that two months after he bought his first Saturn he became a Saturn salesman. Just like the commercials. He told me how reliable his car had been, how good its resale value was, specs, and other facts he thought I'd find interesting. Only then did I see the same look in his eyes that my friends had. I told him I'd think it over and as I left he shouted, "Hope to see you soon. We'd love to have you as a part of the Saturn Family!" Visions of Jim Jones and Charles Manson danced through my head. I headed home and decided I knew nothing more than what I knew at the beginning. I decided to try the 'Net. I found Saturn's homepage and went exploring. That was my awakening. What did I find? A photograph of a guy with the Saturn logo tattooed on his leg. The Saturn CarClub. Letters from satisfied customers. An account of the Saturn Homecoming. That's when I realized Saturn was more than just an automobile manufacturer. It was a religion. First of all, by joining the Saturn CarClub, Saturn promises you "the chance to make new friends. Companionship through a shared obsession." For only $30 a year (TITHE), Saturn will give you a road atlas, a travel services packet, a key fob, a T-shirt, a window decal which is "a not so secret signal between you and those in the know," and a membership handbook (BIBLE) which contains "all the guidelines for CarClub membership, plus a few ideas for getting your own club up and running." (i.e. what our religion is all about and how you can go about preaching our word) The Letters section was as equally thought provoking. It contained a letter from a woman who gave her car a birthday party at the dealership, a letter about two Saturn owners marrying and the bride's father stating, "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a Saturn," and a letter containing a sonnet (PSALM). I knew that these people were not normal. They were all under the intense hallucinatory drug known as religion. But I still had to find out for sure. I posted several messages in different USENET threads, most often receiving replies that I was insane. It wasn't until recently when I checked my email that I found out the truth. It was from a man who had sent an anonymous email to me. He simply stated that I was "treading in waters you have no business being in. The Saturnites will not be pleased that you have found out the truth." I went back to the same USENET groups, posted messages to the mystery person because I needed to talk to him. I received another email from him to meet me in an AOL chat room the next evening. Due to the recent Scientology scandal, he made me swear that I would not reveal his identity, as he feared the consequences from the Saturnites, as he called them. The only personal item I am allowed to divulge is that he was once an official in the Church. First he gave me the background information: Saturn emerged from the primitive ooze of Earth only to find out he was all alone. He created other creatures (mankind), animals, and scenery to keep him company. His only conditions for their survival: that all creatures were blissful and all shared a common bond. What he chose as the bond were rings. The skin at the joints on mankind's fingers beared these rings. The skin at the joints on the animals' claws beared these rings. The trees beared these rings. Everything on the planet beared these rings. For thousands of years, mankind was blissful and mankind bore these rings. But then Jesus, Mohammed, and some other religious leaders came along, and some people stopped believing that Saturn was their God. Saturn, not wanting to make these people unhappy by making them believe that he was their God, left Earth. He created a planet with rings around it (Saturn) to be his home. Slowly, mankind's rings at the joints of their fingers separated. Indentions were left on both sides of the joints, but the connection was gone. Mankind slowly forgot about Saturn By 1982, the Earth was in turmoil. Mankind was slowly killing itself and Saturn could not bear to watch any longer. He knew he had to return mankind to its once blissful state. Of course, he knew he couldn't just come down to Earth and announce that he was their real God. Mankind was more jaded now than when he first created it. He knew the only way to reach mankind: Consumerism. He chose a man, a young engineer, and came to him in a dream. He told the man the true history of the Earth and how he was the man's God. He told the man that he needed his help to spread his word. He told the man to create a product that would bring everyone back to him. When the young man awoke from his dream, he looked to his hands and saw that his rings had been reconnected. It just so happened that the young man he contacted was an engineer at General Motors. He had been assigned to a committee whose purpose was to create a car to steer consumers back to General Motors. The young man decided to combine this with something to steer consumers back to Saturn. Thus, Saturn, the car, was born. Years passed and the automobile was finally released to the public. Through creative advertising and subliminal messages, the automobile became a huge hit. By making the car owners feel like they were part of a community, they were slowly reverting back to their original blissful states. Some of the owners' rings began reconnecting. That is basically the ideology behind the Saturn religion. The employees (executives, salesman, factory workers, etc.) make the consumer feel loved when they purchase the Saturn automobile. When enough people buy Saturn automobiles and their rings are reconnected, Saturn will return to Earth and convert the rest of the population. At least that's what they believe. Next time you see a Saturn owner, just look at his/her fingers. Get a good look. And then smile at them knowingly. The Number of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know: $665.95......................Retail
price of the Beast ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Morbus Sabbaticus Morbus Sabbaticus, or Sunday Sickness, is a disease peculiar to church members. The attack comes on suddenly on Sundays. No symptoms are felt on Saturday night; the patient sleeps well and awakes feeling well; eats a hearty breakfast, but about church time the attack comes on and continues until services are over for the morning. The patient feels easy and eats a hearty dinner. In the afternoon he feels much better and is able to take a walk, automobile ride, go visiting, talk politics and read the papers; he eats a hearty supper but about church time he has another attack and stays home. He retires early, sleeps well, and awakes on Monday morning refreshed and able to go to work. He does not feel any of the returned symptoms until the next Sunday. The peculiar features are as
follows-- 
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