|
| |||||
|
Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
Teaching Greek History The scene is in Romania just after the Communist revolution. Overnight people who were nobody were prompted to crucial positions simply because they had previosly been members of the Communist party. The lesson for that afternoon was ancient Greek History. The teacher paused to ask the class a question. "Now tell me, Joseph, who was it who stole the horse of Troy?" Joseph gulped, stood up and said, "Please, sir, I didn't take it" "Stupid boy" said the teacher. He slammed his books on his desk and walked out of the classroom and into the Principal's office. "Our civilization is dead" said the teacher with conviction, "I am teaching about the history of Greek civilization, I ask Joseph who stole the horse of Troy and he said HE didn't!" The Principal, who two weeks previously sold newspapers for a living said, "Comrade, listen to me, I have known Joseph and his father for many, many years, if Joseph said he didn't steal it, he didn't steal it." The teacher said, "I can't stand it" and stormed out of the school. He went into a local wine bar, ordered a wine, sat down and began to collect his nerves. The Director of Secret Police was in the bar also drinking wine and knew the teacher. He strolled over. "Why so glum, comrade?" The teacher told the Director of Secret Police the story of stupid Joseph and the more stupid Principal. The Directory of Secret Police listened with sympathy, nodded and at the end said, "You are quite right, comrade, our civilization is dead." Nothing further happened until four o'clock the following morning when the teacher's telephone rang. He answered to hear the voice of the Director of Secret Police. "That was a very disturbing tale you told me today in the wine bar, comrade. After hearing it we brought Joseph and his father in for questioning. They have signed a confession. Joseph did steal it." Who Is Most Religious? A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious. "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory." "One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 metres all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him." "One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 500 metres all around me, it was Tuesday... " King David admits of adultery, murder of servant. Jerusalem--In a stunning admission of guilt last night King David acknowledged that he had an "inappropriate relationship" with Bathsheba, the wife of his loyal servant Uriah the Hittite, which resulted not only in her pregnancy but in the betrayal and murder of Uriah as he fought in the Royal Army during the Ammonite War. David made the confession after it was clear that his confidant Nathan T. Prophet, who had been subpoenaed by indepedent counsel H.A. Seytan, would cooperate with the investigation into the affair. It is rumored that Prophet has received inside information from a source in "high places" about David's involvement in the scandal. "Have mercy on me, O God," a contrite David said in his speech. "Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin." While some believe the sincerity of his plea, many question whether David's confession is just another "song and dance" he has written for inclusion in his growing collection of Psalms. Temple insiders admit that because of the "immoral" nature of David's actions, they are now debating whether his Book of Psalms can even be included in the sacred canon. Independent Counsel Seytan, rebounding from his failed probe into Job's faith claims, said in a statement today that he feels vindicated by the recent turn of events. Because he is still completing his report into the Bathsheba affair, Seytan declined further comment. He did say before disappearing in a puff of smoke that he intends to "get to the bottom" of the enigmatic claim made by the King last night when he also admitted that he "was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me." "If the King's been guilty for that long," Seytan said, "I wonder what else he's trying to hide." Although Seytan's report will not be released for another few weeks, pundits speculate that it may force the King to resign. Legal experts say the Bathsheba affair, with its adultery, murder, and coveting, violates at least three of the Ten Commandments. Political foes of David, who have questioned his kingship since his involvement in the mysterious death of Goliath T. Giant, argue that the King has never been fit for office. "I've seen the Messiah," one senior prophet said on background. "The Messiah is a vision of mine, and believe me, King David is no Messiah." The Three Trees Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!" The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on it's way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!" The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world." Years passed. The rain came, the sun shone, and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" The first tree said. The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining axe, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!" The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining axe, the third tree fell. The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feedbox for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, with treasure. She was coated with saw dust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals. The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty sailing ship was made that day. Instead the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river; instead she was taken to a little lake. The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God..." Many many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feedbox. "I wish I could make a cradle for him." her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful." she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest treasure in the world. One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through with the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand, and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the king of heaven and earth. One Friday morning, the third
tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten
woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry
jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands
to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday
morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy
beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed
everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time
people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That
was better than being the tallest tree in the world.
| |||||
|
| |||||
