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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
CATHOLIC DICTIONARY PART II Jesuits-- An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. Jesus Christ---1. The Son of God who became the Messiah, despite a few cries of nepotism. 2. One person who could truthfully answer yes to the question "Hey, were you born in a barn, or what?" Jesus freaks---The subtitle of the Gospel chapter in which Christ clears the temple. Jews---Known as "the Chosen People". Throughout history, whenever anyone felt the need to pick on someone, they always chose the Jews---if there were no Catholics or gypsies around. Job---A man who probably would have enjoyed root canal surgery. John the Baptist--1. The man who started the wet look. 2. The guy your mother told you to stay away from--along with Jim the Lutheran and Chip the Episcopalian. Jonah--the original "Jaws" story. Justice--When your kids have kids of their own. Kneeler---What little children with muddy shoes love to stand on. Kyrie Elieson---The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. Lamb of God---A prayer Catholics can say without missing a bleat. Lapsed Catholic---1. A Catholic who only knows pig latin. 2. A Catholic who doesn't care if Southern Methodist beats Notre Dame in football. Last Supper--- One of the strangest meals in history, because Jesus performed the First Mass and all thirteen in attendance sat on one side of the table. Latin--- The language that died of irregular vowel movenents. Latin Mass--- Vatican II----Latin 0 Lazarus--1. A friend of Jesus who died but got better. 2. A man who was late to his own funeral. Lector---The litturgucal reader who must speak louder than the sports coats of the ushers. Lent---1. The time of year when you borrow ham sandwiches from your Protestant neighbors. 2. The last chance before summer to keep those broken New Year's promises. Limbo--- A place for unbaptized souls who must bend over backwards to get into Heaven. Litany--- The part of the Mass you don't need to memorize. "Love thy Neighbor as thyself" ----- The Golden Rule--- for everybody except masochists. Lust--- One of the seven deadly sins--confessed to a man who is not allowed to commit it. Lyre--A bibical instrument that masqueraded as a harp. Madonna--- latin for "like a virgin" Magi--- The most famous trio to ever attend a baby shower. Manger---1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough. Manna--- the trail of bread crumbs that God left for the Israelites so they could find their way out of the desert Martyr---Someone dying to be a saint. 2. A religious person who gets stoned. Mary, Blessed Virgin--- The only mother who became well known for her virginity. Mary Magdalene----- The woman the disciples greeted with "How's Tricks?" Mass--- The kind of confusion that exists in the church parking lot every Sunday. Mass Attendance--- How young Catholics "pay the rent" when they still live with their parents. Mea Culpa--- An obscure way to take the blame for something without letting everyone know that you screwed up. "The meek shall inherit the earth" ---The Lord's trickle-down theory. Mercy--when there is no sermon on a hot Sunday. Messiah-- A classical piece that Catholics have a Handel on. Methuselah--- The oldest man in history at 969 years old, which is 6,783 in dog years. Middle Ages---When a Catholic is old enough to go to Mass alone, but still has to bring home a bulletin as proof. Miracle--- 1. A Catholic family with fewer that 6 kids. 2. An event with no reasonable explanation---such as "The Honeymooners: the Lost Episodes". 3. Divine intervention--prayed for most ardently in the waning seconds of football games. Missalettes---- The dancing girls at progressive masses. Mitre--- The hat that the bishop has to take off at movies. Monks---What priests evolved from. Monotheism---When God speaks to you over the AM dial of your radio. Monsignor---A title conferred by the Pope on a priest (this grants him an extra ten minutes of sermon each week.) Mortal sin--- A sin which your parents would kill you for, if they found out. Mortification---Ignoring your stomach growls during Mass. Moses---The leader of the Israelites who should have gone up the mountain a third time for directions out of the desert. Mount Sinai--- The place where God told Moses to take two tablets and call him in the morning. myrrh---The second gift of the Magi, and a great scrabble word when you're out of vowels. Mysteries of the Church--- Phenomena that are impossible to understand. For example, how a four foot altar boy can lift a twenty-pound book high enough for a six-foot man to read from. Mysteries of the Rosary--- Things to ponder while you're praying the Rosary--such as how to get the darned thing untangled. New Testament--Sequel to the Old Testament in which God was in a considerably better mood. Novices---Clerics who are still adjusting their habits. Nun--1. A woman who has taken vows of poverty and chastity--hence the name. 2. The butt of the joke ending with this punch line: "That was no laity, that was my sister" Old Testament---A book of scripts for Cecil B. De Mille. Olive branch---A welcome sign of hope for Noah, since he had only stocked enough martini olives for thirty-eight days. ONE (1) A.D.-- The year peoples ages started increasing each year. Ordinary time--The period on the littergical calendar when the Church readily admits that there isn't much going on. Original Sin---1. What is cleansed by baptism, after which we use the new and improved kind. 2. What teenagers are always trying to come up with. Pagans-People without religion whose numbers span the globe---never knowing the thrill of a bingo victory or the agony of the feet after the reading of the Passion. Palms---Branches you leave behind in the pews on Palm Sunday, only to have the priest burn them and rub the cinders on your forehead the next Ash Wednesday. Pantheism---the belief in the miracle of Teflon. Papal bull-- a letter from the Pope that's infallibull. Papal infalibility---1.The doctrine which states that the only time the Pope in wrong is when he is mistaken. 2. Why the Pope would clean up on Jeopardy. Parochial school---Where you learn enough about religion to say Mass and enough about sex to use the right public restroom. Patron saint---The guardian you talk to when all the other lines are busy. Pentateuch--the first five books of the Bible---and the only books of the New Testament that Catholics can recall. Pentecost---Fifty days after Easter--by which time you've more than made up for your Lenten sacrifices. Permanent deacon---A married man who can do almost anything a priest can, and some things he can't. Petitions---The time during the Mass when everyone is praying for world peace but thinking, "Please help me with the lottery" Poverty--- A vow taken by the clergy that keeps the Church in the black. Prayer- Your last resort for obtaining something that you don't have a chance in Hell of getting. Pre-Cana--The required wedding preparation retreat which helps a couple establish a solid base for arguments in the coming years. Predestination 1. The rendezvous spot for you and your friends when you're supposed to be at Mass. 2.The gas station where a Catholic family stops, even though Mom and Dad told everyone to go before they left. Pride---Bringing photographs along to confession. Procession-- The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of the altar boys, the lay ministers, the celebrant, and the late parishioners looking for a seat. Protestant-- A person who will probably make it to Heaven, but won't live in as good of a neighborhood. Purgatory---1. A place that Cub fans will bypass completely 2. A place where a snowball still has a chance. Recessional---The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. Relics--People who have been going to Mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. Religion---A cult with a good PR department. Resurrection of Christ--It's hard to keep a good man down. Revelation-- The final book of the Bible which doesn't exactly end "and they lived happily ever after." Rhythm method--Why Catholic kids don't have rooms of their own. Rome-- Where II and II is IV. Rosary--A prayer ritual that seems to last five decades. Sabbath-- A day of worship and rest, meaning Mass and football (in no particular order). Sacrament-- An after-sinner mint. Sacrament of Baptism--The first time the Church soaks you. Sacrament of Reconciliation--Solemnly asking forgiveness for actions you wish you had videotaped to show your friends. Sacrilege-- Irreverent use of something sacred--but it's too late now, you're already up to the S's. Sacristry--1.The clerical locker room. 2. A place where divestment is not a moral issue. Saint--A person always pictured as light-headed. Saint Anthony--The saint a man prays to when his wife can't find what he's looking for. Saint Basil--A man for all seasonings. Saint Christopher--The saint to call if AAA doesn't answer. Saint Joseph--1.The husband of the Virgin Mary and the patron saint of cold showers. 2. The most boring role in the Christmas pageant. Saint Jude--The patron saint of the federal budget. Saint Peter--The Apostle that Jesus once called "The Rock"--now employed as a bouncer at the pearly gates. Satan--An angel who got fired. Second Coming---When you had better not be standing anywhere near the fan. Sermon- 1. The part of the Mass that begins with a recap of the Gospel and then drones into other gray matters of Christianity while your gray matter wanders off into subjects such as whether there are still the same number of ceiling tiles as last week. 2. Another word for homily, which doesn't make it any shorter. Sexual intercourse--A caring, special act between two people who are in love, married (to each other), in bed, under the covers, with the lights off, and the door locked - for the purpose of making more Catholics. Shroud--Pajamas for the big sleep. Shroud of Turin--An old burial garment Christ wouldn't be caught dead in. Sign of the Cross--1. How young Catholics remember which hand is their right one. 2. A gesture showing reverence for the Cross - used during Mass and before free-throws. Sinner--someone who cannot cast the first stone, but would be more than happy to cast the next five or six. Sin of commission--An action that is immoral, such as picking all the cashews out of the holiday nut mix. Sin of omission--Never putting any cashews into the nut mix in the first place. Sloth--The cardinal sin of laziness - which can only be forgiven by a guy who works one day a week. Sodom and Gomorrah -- Where Old Testament college students went on spring break. Solomon--A man known for his wisdom, despite the fact that he had three hundred wives. State of grace-- After you receive absolution, but before you see a cute girl genuflecting. Synagogue--Where Jesus is just another pretty face. Tabernacle-- Where Christ had an out-of-body experience. Temptation--A condition conducive to sinning--for most people, just being concious. Temptation of Christ--To once, just once, declare "To hell with what the Scriptures say Peter, *I* say we're going to the beach today." Ten Commandments--The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. Theologian--1. A sage who writes at length about how little we know of God. 2. Someone who would know where Noah kept the termites. Theology--The college course that helps you unlearn all the things you learned in religion class. Tower of Babel--The reason the Lord created different languages. He scattered the builders across the continent, only to have them reunite in New York as cabbies. Transfiguration of Christ--When Scotty used the wrong coordinates and almost beamed up Jesus. Turn the other cheek--The rule of thumb when the other guy is bigger. Ushers--The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. Vacation Bible School--How parents ruin a child's summer vacation. Vatican City--The only country that will never win an Olympic luge medal. Vespers--Vat ve hear ven vorshippers don't vant to vear out their velcome. Vigil--Looking out for number one. Vine and branches--A biblical metaphor: Christ is the vine, we are the branches--and the Big Guy has the pruners. Virgin birth--Paying the fiddler without getting to dance. Virginity--What cannot be refunded once a deposit is made. Vulgate--The version of the
Bible that Spock reads.
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