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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
CATHOLIC DICTIONARY PART I Act of Contrition---A penitential prayer you warm up with so you don't cramp up in the confessional. Act of God--- 1. The kind of disaster insurance doesn't cover 2. The only way to get some Catholics to church on Sunday. Acts of the Apostles---1. Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check arrived for the Last Supper. 2. Christ's touring company---they knocked 'em dead in Samaria, Thessalonica, Damascus,etc. Advent ---A season filled with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and cash registers ringing. Advent Wreath--- A brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard. Agnostic---1. An atheist who is hedging his bets. 2. Someone who isn't sure there is a God, but who is sure he doesn't want to go to Mass every Sunday. All Saints Day (November 1st)---- A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked halloween candy to your little brother. All Soul's Day (November 2nd)---The day to remember all deceased Motown recording artists. Alpha and Omega----The fraternity that Christ belonged to. Amen----The only part of a prayer everyone knows. Annulment----1. Divorce, Catholic style. 2. A decree that a marriage never existed---like the dream sequence on "Dallas". Apocalypse---An important event that you probably can't find a Hallmark card for. Armageddon---The last day you can redeem your green stamps. Ascension of Christ----Jesus rose into heaven forty days after Easter---an indication of how tough it is to get a table up there. Beatification----1. Papal recognition that a holy person is one step away from having a parochial school named after him. 2. The step in the canonization process when a persons' head is fitted into a halo. Beattitudes----1. Sayings that look nice on a cross-stitched plaque. 2. Second rate attitudes. Benediction---The start of the race to the parking lot. Bethlehem---Where Mary and Joseph had to come to their census. Bingo---1. How Catholics tithe. 2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old ladies off the street. Bishop---Old man in the see. Body of Christ---Amen...oops, sorry. Habit I guess. Capital sins---more serious that the lower case ones. Caroling---1. A Christmas tradition of walking from house to house singing yule song until residents give you food to shut up. 2. Yuletide revenge on the neighbor whose barking dog keeps you up at night. Catholic Mass---An event with so much standing, sitting, and kneeling you can forego your Jane Fonda workout tape for Sunday. Catholic wedding---A ceremony in which a father loses his daughter---and his life savings. Celibacy--- A clever comeback used by single men and women to explain why they don't have a date for Saturday night. Charity---1. What you call your trash when you give it to the Little Sisters of the Poor. 2 The only one of the theological virtues that pays off every April 15th. Choir---A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync. Christians--- People who follow Jesus, although they disagree on which way He went. Christmas---The celebration of the birth of Christ, which invariably falls during the busiest shopping season of the year. Confession---What you bragged about the night before. Conscience--- the little voice of morarity that you wish had a body so you could punch it in the nose. Convent---A rectory where the toilet seats are always down. Covenant---A contract between God and His people --- one that the Devil is still trying to take to arbitration. Creation---The story that scientists get a big bang out of. Creationism---The belief that no one is a monkey's uncle. Cry room---A place in the back of the church where children are brought after their tantrums have reduced their parents to tears. Dead Sea Scrolls---The Cliff Notes to the old testament. Devil---Evil with a capital D. Devotion--- Standing for the duration of the Gospel on Palm Sunday Disciples---Followers of Christ who hadn't earned enough merit badges to become Apostles. Divine intervention---What happens when God steps in and does something for the good of mankind...like ending Ronald Reagan's movie career. Dona Nobis Pacem--- The double play combination of the parish softball team. Doxology---A verbal high-five with the Lord. Easter---1. The day you see Catholics you haven't seen since Chistmas 2. The day when Christ's body was missing and all the children are worried about is finding the missing chocolate eggs. Ecumenism---The practice of unity among Christians whereby Catholics cut Protestants some slack for being close. Egypt---the country which created the first form of writing: hieroglyphics---the basis for all medical prescriptions. Envy--- The sin Catholics commit when they think of non-Catholics who get to remain seated during their church services. Eternity---The time between Communion and the end of Mass. Evangelists, TV 1. Preachers with miraculous power---the ability to squeeze dollars out of the penniless. Eve--- The only wife who never had to worry about the "other woman" Everlasting life--- What a Catholic will need to understand all the changes since Vatican II. Eye of the needle--- The analogy that provides a strong incentive for rich men to breed tiny camels. Faith---Giving God the benefit of the doubt on the question "Can God make a rock so big that even He, Himself, cannot lift it"? Fast---God's diet plan Feast of the assumption---The holy day observed forty days after Easter, by which time all of the black jelly beans will be gone. Fishers of men----A description of the Apostles who trawled for souls. Folk mass---The type of liturgy celebrated at the church of Saints Peter, Paul and Mary. Font---The baptismal basin where the priest wets the baby's head and the baby wets the priests vestments. Free will---A gift from God that you will pay for later if you use it incorrectly. Friday, Good---The day of the crucifixion of Jesus---which makes you wonder what a Messiah's got to do to make it a Bad Friday. Garden of Eden---Where Adam and Eve dug us a hole. Gnosticism---Gneo-Christian cult based on gnebulous gnosis whose days were gnumbered due to gnaysayers. God---The Supreme Being who knows everything, including why the Howells brought so many clothes for a three hour tour. Godparent--- A person who has to baby-sit on request. Golden Rule---The most painful thing a nun can hit you with. Good Samaritan---A guy who today would probably get arrested and left in jail until "60 minutes did a story on him. Gospel--A term that means "Good news"-----even though the homily always follows. Great Schism--A time when there were more Popes that heavyweight boxing champions. Guilt--- Agonizing paranoia somewhere along the lines of "God will get me for what I did". It racks the brain, twists the emotions, and turns the stomach until the person's a physical wreck--and God's job is already done. Habits---Nunderwear. Hail Mary---1. A prayer you say when the answer to "Our Father" is "NO" 2.The answer to the question, "What could be worse than raining cats and dogs?" Handshake of peace--- Shaking hands with the kid next to you in Mass---who just wiped his nose without a handkerchief. Heaven's Gate--- A passage that everyone wants to get through and a movie that everyone avoided. Hell--1. A place that even Johnny Cochran can't save you from. 2. Satan's home on the range. Holy cards--- Pictures of religious figures--like baseball cards without bubble gum. Holy Day of Obligation 1. As in Monday night Football, a Mass that counts in the standings. 2. A feast day on which Roman Catholics are duty bound to suffer through their second Mass, sermon and collection of the week. Holy Grail--- The chalice that Jesus and the Apostles shared at the Last Supper. Its location is unknown and, considering oral hygiene, that's probably for the best. Holy oil---Chrism rubbed on the foreheads of teenaged Confirmation candidates---as if they needed more grease up there. Holy Saturday---The day your knees are sore from Good Friday. Holy water---A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. Homily---The part of Mass when the pastor prepares the flock for the fleecing. Hope---A desire that's dashed when Father Talkalot proceeds down the aisle on a hot Sunday. Hymn--A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range. Hymn, recessional----The last song on Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most people have left before that time. Immaculate Conception---1. A clean thought. 2. The feast that reminds Catholics of the purity of Mary and the fact that they have only seventeen more shopping days until Christmas. Innocent III---The man who was Pope until Proven Guilty IV. Intercession---A prayer on behalf of another---although it shouldn't be for the other person to die of hemorrhoids. Issac--- The biblical figure
who became anxious when his father, Abraham, wanted to spend
some 'quality time' with him.
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