ALONE WITH GOD------

The parrot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says,
"By the way, what did the chicken do?"

SOME THINGS TO PONDER IN LIFE

1. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
3. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
4. If buttered toast always lands buttered side down,and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast to the back of a cat?
5. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year,why do they have locks on the doors?
6. Why do they put Braille dots on the dey pads of the drive-up ATM machine?
7. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
8. Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
10. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work?
11. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
12. If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
13. You know why most packages say "open here"? What should you do if the package says "opn somewhere else"?
14. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
15. Why is it that when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, but when you trasport something by ship it's called cargo?
16. You know that little indestructible black box that's used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
17. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for the address,you turn the radio down?
18. Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
19. Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?
20. What does Geronimo scream when he jumps out of a plane?
21. If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime,what do freedom fighters fight?
22. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
23 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Young Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had big deal working. He threw huge figures around and ade giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN...

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 56K flex...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot com".
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

"Is The Dog Dead?"

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Psalms 51:2-4

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing one's own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.

Lettuce Patch

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife. "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Just smile

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Crime Does'nt Pay

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.