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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
PEANUTS ON THE COFFEE TABLE A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks. "No, not at all" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." POSTMAN'S FINAL POSTING? A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life - he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the Mailman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning." MEXICAN PILOTS There were two Mexicans (can be any kind of race) flying a 747 passenger airplane into the Chicago O'hare airport asking for clearance to land. The message came back to proceed to land on runway #2. They maneuvered the plane around and began their decent towards the runway. Just as they they were about to touchdown the pilot pulled up and radioed in to the control tower that the runway was just too short and that they would have to land on a longer runway. So the control tower told them to proceed to runway #7. Once again just as they where about to land they pulled up again because the runway was too short. The control tower had just about had enough so they told them that they wre to land on runway #9; that it was the longest runway in the whole U.S. and that they had to land it. So once again they circle around and begin to decend. He looks at the runway and just knows it's too short but he decides that he has no choice so he tries to land it. As soon as his tires hit the pavement he squeels on the brakes and puts the engine in full reverse just barely stopping inches away from the end of the runway. As he breaths a sigh of relief he turns to his co-pilot and says, "man, that's the shortest runway I've ever landed on before," then looking side to side says, "but look how wide it is!" A BUS DRIVER'S TALE A Bus Driver's Tale A young man gets a job as a bus driver for the Sesame Street School Company. Boy is he excited! It's his first day on the job. He arrives at his first stop, opens the doors and looks out at his first passengers. And there he sees a mother and her two daughters. The mother looks into the bus and says, "You're new aren't you?" The bus driver says, "Yes ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my two little girls. This is Patty Sue and this is Patty Anne." And when he takes a good look at the girls, he simply can't believe his eyes. These kids are big. Really big. I'd like to be kind, but these girls are fat. The mother says, "Now Patty Sue and Patty Anne are big for their age..." He keeps his tongue under control. She says, "I'd like you to give my two little girls individual seats of their own on your bus." "No problem," he says, as the two girls squeeze down the aisle and find their seats. He closes the door and drives to the next stop. He opens the bus doors and he sees a mother and her young son. The mother looks at him and says, "You're new, aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, I'd like you to meet my son Josh. He's very special." And he looks down at what can only be described as the nerd to end all nerds. The boy wears thick glasses with white tape holding them together. He has pencils in his shirt pocket. He has the shortsleeved dress shirt. He has the white socks and sandals. The mother says, "My Josh is very special. I want you to give him a very special seat on your bus. I want him to sit up front every day." "No problem," says our driver, as Josh proudly seats himself right up front. The bus driver closes the door and goes to the next stop. He opens the bus doors and sees a mother and another little boy. The mother looks at him and says, (you guessed it) "You're new aren't you?" He says, "Yes, ma'am, I am." She says, "Well, my name is Mrs. Cleese, and this is my son Lester." And when the driver looks at Lester, it's a pitiful sight to behold. The poor little guy obviously has foot problems. He's limping painfully. The mother says, "Lester has problems with his feet." The driver nods sympathetically. The mother says, "I want you to help Lester as he gets on and off your bus everyday, so that he will not trip, stumble, or fall." The driver says, "No problem," and he helps Lester limp to his seat. And then, as he closes the bus doors and drives away, he sees in his rearview mirror that Lester has removed his shoes and socks and is picking at the largest, most grotesque bunions he has ever seen. It's disgusting, the way that Lester picks at his feet. Our driver shudders and drives on. He delivers the kids to school and returns to the bus barn. He parks the bus and finds his supervisor. He walks right up to the boss and yells, "I QUIT!" The boss says, "Whaddya mean, you quit?" The bus driver replies, "There's no future in this job." The boss says, "What are to talking about?" And the bus driver answers, "Well here's my problem. How could I take a job where all I would have to look forward to every day would be TWO OBESE PATTYS, SPECIAL JOSH AND LESTER CLEESE PICKING BUNIONS ON A SESAME STREET BUS?" SPECIAL THIS WEEK A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." FORREST GUMP IS AT IT AGAIN Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions. 1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T". 2. How many seconds are in a year? 3. What is God's first name? Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered.. 1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow." 2. There are 12 seconds in a year." 3. God has two first names and they are Andy and Howard." Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?" Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......" OK, I give" said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?" Forrest said "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...? and the prayer... Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...." Saint Peter let him in without
further ado. 
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