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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
LONG HAIR "You know, Dad," 16 year old Jimmy started. "I'm now 16 and I think it is time that we talk about getting a car for me to drive." "Well, I'll make a deal with you, Jimmy," his Dad replied. "We'll talk about this car idea when you can bring home a good report card and you get your hair cut!" A couple of months later, Jimmy brings home his report card. "Here you go, Dad. All A's!" "That's great, Jimmy," his Dad replied. "But you still haven't gotten your hair cut." "Well, Dad, while making those great grades, I was in a religion class and noticed that Jesus had long hair, all of the apostles had long hair. Moses, Joseph and even the kings of the land all had long hair." His Dad thought about this for a second and asked, "Did you notice what else they had in common?" "No, what?" Jimmy replied. "They were all WALKING!" MY DAD'S FAST Three boys are bragging about their dad's jobs. The first boy says, "My dad is a quarterback and he's so fast that he can throw a ball at the 50 yard line, run downfield and catch it at the goal line before it hits the ground." The second boy says, "You think that's fast? My dad is a policeman and he's so fast that he can shoot his pistol, run down the firing range and catch the bullet before it hits the target." The third boy says, "You think that's fast? My dad works for the Federal Government and he's so fast that he gets off work at 4 o'clock and gets home by 3:30." THE MINISTER A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City. Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While he drove, people prayed; while you preached, people slept." KILLER LUNCHES 3 iron workers were on lunch break high above the city and they opened their lunches. Juan, the Mexican, looked in his lunch and said "If I get tacos one more time I am going to jump off this building!" Mario, the Italian, looked in his lunch and said " If I get spaghetti one more time I am going to jump off this building!" Harry, the American, looked in his lunch and said "If I get bologna sandwhiches one more time I am going to jump off this building too!" The next day they were on lunch again and opened their lunches. Juan, sure enough had tacos so he jumped off the building killing himself. Mario, sure enough had spaghetti and jump off the building killing himself. Harry, sure enough had bologna sandwhiches, so he jumped also. At their funerals, Juan's wife said sobbing "If I had known he hated tacos, I would have put something else in his lunch!" Mario's wife said sobbing " If I had know he hated spaghetti I would have put something else in his lunch!" Harry's wife said cheerfully "I don't know why Harry jumped, he made his own lunches!!" A MINISTER AND A LAWYER A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE A woman down on her luck is walking through a well-to-do neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches this one house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her. The lady tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the woman if she paints? The women says, "Sure anything." The man replies, "Well, I have been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" Responding quickly, "I don't know, say $50 bucks." To the man's delight, "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the women and her situation and then told his wife that the women agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, "$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more." He responds, "But that's all she said she wanted." 10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the women is there and she says, "That she's done." With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch." "Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari." WHAT ARE YOU SMUGGLING? Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles." PILOT TO TOWER....HELP! Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct! Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ." COURAGE Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces." "Ha!", said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it." Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, "I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute." "Yes, Sir!!!", the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!", and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact. "That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute. And I want you to do it with style." "Yes, Sir!!!", the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact. "Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps was here", he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.) He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!" The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!", and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid- air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left. The others are impressed and
nod their heads in admiration. Then the Admiral says,
"That's nothing". The others turn to face the Admiral,
their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over who
was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that
tower- no rope, no parachute." The Seaman looks the Admiral
in the face and says, "Do it yourself, stupid!" As the
Seaman walks off, the Admiral turns to the others and says,
"Now THAT'S courage!" 
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