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Clean Jokes
Laughter is the best medicine as they say. This page is not
intended to degrade anybody's religion or belief but merely for
humor and laugh purposes only.
THE ASSUMPTION OF VIRGIN MARY You know what I'm trying to figure out? I was looking over the order's Ordo (try saying that 6 times really fast) the other day and noticed that one of the major feast days on the calendar commemorates the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Now, in grammar school they taught us not to assume things, but to look them up. They even made us join a fictitious organization called the "We Don't Guess, We Look It Up" Club. (I'm not making this up, you know!) Isn't it, therefore, setting a dangerous example to have a feast day that celebrates someone's making an assumption? I mean, why couldn't Mary have looked it up in the Encyclopaedia Palestiniana? That would have set a much more wholesome example for the youth of today. Besides, most of the knowledge found in encyclopedias today was discovered much more recently than 2000 years ago, so the encyclopedias in those days were probably only a couple of pages long. How much time could it have taken to look it up? Not only that, but if it was a really important thing that she was assuming--something worth making a major feast day out of--surely it would have been worth it for everyone's peace of mind to be sure of the facts. And if she was making a trivial assumption, why should we make such a big deal out of it? All you liturgical experts out there: how come we don't observe the Feast of the Fact-Checking of the Blessed Virgin? Enquiring minds need to know. TEN COMMANDMENTS OF E-MAIL Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn. And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail: That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people don't belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. (It was not revealed what grade the student got.) THREE CHAIRS A certain Catholic church hosting a community Thanskgiving service. Now this was to be first for that catholic church and for the community. Naturally everyone was quite excited. With great dignity the priest led his three Protestant colleagues toward the chancel area when suddenly he realized that he had forgotten to put out chairs for his guest clergy to sit on during the service. In a state of great agitation, he whispered in the ear of one of his ushers, "Please get some chairs for the guest pastors." The elderly usher was quite hard of hearing, so he asked the priest to repeat his request. The priest did so a little louder: "Please get up and get three chairs for the Protestants." The old man had a puzzled look
on his face as he rose to his feet. Turning to the rest of the
congregation, he said with a loud voice: "This seems highly
irregular, but I've been asked to have you stand and give three
cheers for the Protestants." 
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